The Impact of Social Distancing on Marriage and How to Maintain a Healthy Relationship

^{What is the impact of social distancing on marriage and how can we keep things running smoothly at home?}Who would’ve ever thought that being cooped up with your spouse (with or without kiddos), in the same house, for an indefinite amount of time, could question the integrity your relationship? Well it does. And in spades.

Under any other circumstance, maintaining a healthy relationship while living under the same roof isn’t completely unheard of. That’s why you hear wonderful stories of long lasting marriages that stand the test of time. But how often does that same healthy relationship experience a forced situation where they are obligated to stay together, all day, everyday with no end date in sight? Surely, any healthy relationship would face its challenges given these circumstances. Be it, a parent-children relationship, siblings, housemates, and perhaps the most challenged – live in partners, particularly those bound together by marriage. To be told that your entire routine of going to work, dropping off the kids, dividing and conquering, having your own individual lives, and reconvening at the end of the day was going to be completely disrupted, is enough to question the status quo of any healthy relationship. Sure, it sounds easy on paper. But actually living through it – coupled with increased levels of anxiety and other mental health concerns, it would be naive to think a marriage could survive social distancing without it’s inevitable challenges. 

Here are some practical ways to maintain a healthy relationship with your partner and getting your marriage to bounce back from all this crazy.

FINDING THE FUNNY AMIDST THE SERIOUS

One thing that has always worked for my hubs and I is that we make light of even the most serious of situations. And you don’t have to tell me twice – this global pandemic is indeed, serious. But sharing a silly gif that only you and your partner can relate to, watching an old Conan dance routine, putting on a hat 10 times too small, or playing a good ol’ fashioned prank… anything that gets us laughing again, can only do good for any relationship. Moments of humor may be short lived and few and far between – but it’s there for the taking. You just have find it.

Just don’t start a food (or toilet paper) fight, because well… now is not exactly the time to waste your resources.

HAVE A DATE NIGHT

You will most likely have limited access to your go-to favorite dine-in restaurant at this time, so why not improvise and order take out (hello local business support!), kick it up a notch outfit-wise, slap on a couple shades of red lip, and immerse yourself in some date night fun? We all need some one-on-one time with our partners, especially when there are kids involved – just to check in with one another, or simply to enjoy some much needed, meaningful adult conversation. Do you remember the last time you actually made time to do this? Other than the explosive dishes and the inevitable playroom overwhelm, I bet your level of “too busy to hang out” is at the lowest it’s ever been.

So hang out! Talk about your goals for yourselves, each other, your family. What about that bucket list you’ve been meaning to update? Your next trip to Disneyland and how you can save up some funds and look forward to having some fun? Remember, this stay home campaign will end at some point, so there is no harm in planning for the future – especially if it involves Mickey Mouse, am I right? Maybe in between delectable bites of that sweet n sour pork chop, you can bring up some of the topics that you’ve been postponing for months like how the family needs to rework some of the chores and coming up with a new creative chore strategy over dessert. 

They say food is everyone’s love language. So take this opportunity to wine, dine, and hash it out. 

WORK ON YOUR FRIENDSHIP

Nothing brings two people closer than facing a challenge together. Learning to cope when faced with trials and developing a go-team-go mentality is one of the best ways to reignite a friendship. In any given friendship, the idea of knowing you have your person that you can be completely transparent with, can only do good for all parties involved. A trust is formed or rekindled, maybe one that is deeper than if it was based on romance alone. As parents and housemates, it’s easy to lose that friendship spark because everything becomes all about the logistics, and we are met with the challenges of responsibility and limitations of a tight schedule. The best way to handle a loss of intimacy or to manage unavoidable confrontations is to get back to the basics. Love on each other from a deeper level of friendship and understanding, and the rest will follow suit. 

One thing is for sure – I have never been as in line with my husband as I am now that we’ve learned the art of rationing hand sanitizer and toilet paper…

ENJOY A DRINK TOGETHER (or other vices)

Shhh… don’t tell George I told you – but he’s got a bit of a soft spot for train wreck reality shows. Okay… he pretty much hates most of them – but he has completely found himself entangled in the dramatics and obsession of all that is Bachelor Nation. When all of this talk of lockdowns and self isolation was slowly making its way into our country, he would spend hours reading and obsessing over trending tweets. But he never let a Monday night pass without shutting down his iPad, making us a plate of nachos, and immersing ourselves in Pete the Pilot and his journey of love. For that mere hour (or 3) we managed to successfully replace our worries with Pete the Pilot’s worries, and voila! Temporary bliss, and good ol’ fashioned entertainment. Doing it together made the experience that much sweeter. 

So enjoy that drink, watch that show, dig into those nachos and spend some light-hearted fun with your best bud and partner. Now is the time to do it. 

RESPECT ONE ANOTHER’S SPACE AND NEED TO WORK

I have been working at home since Little Mama was a toddler. It wasn’t always easy, but I finally found my groove. And it only got more successful with every passing year. Now that I’m back in toddlerville with Little Man, I’ve had to do some tweaking, and this last little while has been a little rough around the edges – but we made do. My apologies for blog posts every 2 months! Eeeps!

Now that George’s company has made the move to adhere to social distancing and allowed him to work from home, we both had mixed emotions about it at first. Of course, WHO doesn’t LOVE the idea of not having to fight morning traffic, being able to wear your slippers and robe to your desk (don’t worry, Kirsty, I’ll make him change into something more apropos for the video conference calls), and having a chance to share a lunch with your favorite little humans? But I think what worried him (and yours truly) the most, was the inability to find a way to work alongside our homeschool kiddo, and our very busy toddler. So we decided that if push comes to shove, we would prioritize his less flexible work day and allow him the space and quiet to get his work done. He has people outside of our home depending on him and who are inadvertently faced with the same distractions at home, as it were – so he has to get the job done. As they all do. With my line of work – well, I know my readers are very forgiving of my late posts. And truth be told, I’d rather work when the kids are asleep anyway. 

Our solution? Divide and conquer. During work hours for dad, I take the kids and focus on keeping them occupied. My short term trajectory would be a 9 year old completely (and willingly) immersed in autonomous study (ask me again how this went next week), and a 1 year old playing happily with his quiet toys (again, ask me how this all went next week). Being mindful of what and who the priorities are, will make the work/homeschool/entertaining-the-toddler day a much smoother one. 

WORK SIDE BY SIDE

We are very lucky that we are two creative people who need nothing more than our computer, our smart devices, and our computer plugs to get work going. Most of our work is online and desktop friendly – so it makes our need for physical space not as imperative – at least for the most part. We find that working next to one another in the early morning hours, and at the end of the day after the kids sleep – keep the other motivated. When he’s ready for a snack, I’m usually trailing behind him looking for crumbs (or stealing the last bite). When I’m down for a tv break, he usually gets very distracted and finds he loses his momentum. So we made a deal. We decided that on days where we want to keep each other company (because yes, the handful of days when we would rather be alone, do come in waves, so we certainly honor that!), we would agree to sit together at the kitchen table and get work done for a set amount of time. It sounds a little borderline co-dependant I know. But hear me out – don’t you feel more compelled to work when your “office mate” is also laser focused on their task at hand? It’s no different at home. 

BE HEALTHY TOGETHER

Even before this global madness, George and I have been rather committed to making mindful food choices and taking better care of our bodies. We have both agreed, we are no spring chickens, although he gets carded like he is…. Notice I didn’t say we…? Arrrrg. But I digress. We recently made a promise to commit to lessening our sugar intake and making better food decisions. We started this at the beginning of the school year. By Christmas, we both lost 60 lbs between us. Having one another to be accountable to is key. And the best part is that we are flexible and forgiving, with a dash of bossy. Those days we agree on cheat meals, we try to do it at the same time, that way we can recover quickly from our short-lived fast food rendezvous – together. But we also give each other that metaphorical finger shake when we fall off the wagon a bit. Just enough to help the other one back on. 

The best part are the wins. When we do it together, we encourage one another, and hold each other responsible when we take a few steps back. Being healthy together is just what the love doctor ordered for any marriage. 

Now if I can only lift that tire and cinderblock in the back yard he insists on using as temporary social distancing friendly weights. Oh well… I guess bench pressing my toddler will do for now. 

GET ARTSY

George is an Artist through and through. This is where he and Little Mama have found their common ground. I often wish I had their artistic talent to illustrate on random post-it notes and spread them…uniquely… around the house. I am however, an artist in another world. Perhaps it’s not something I do much of anymore, now that I’ve got my hands full, but I certainly can carve out time from my jam-packed-at-home-full-time schedule, to dust off my guitar and learn a few new riffs. There is nothing quite like looking around our messy playroom and seeing my little girl and her dad create a storybook together, while my one year old beat master and I, jam it out on the guitar and bongos. Sometimes I take a step back and realize, okay – so we didn’t end up following the path smoothed out for us by our very academic and professional brothers, but we sure can create some noise. 

And I’ve learned over the years, that a marriage that creates together… creates magic.

CHANGE THE TOPIC

I don’t know about your households, but is the global pandemic the most talked about topic in your home right now? Yeah… I thought so. Well – it’s a good thing to be aware and to discuss our understandable fears and reservations about what the next moves are going to be. But once we’ve addressed each necessary item of discussion once or twice, it might be worth taking a temporary pause and finding something else to discuss. Maybe hold your own casual book club or Netflix Party and talk about the movies you’ve been wanting to tackle either together or alone? Talk about a funny thing you saw on social media that has NOTHING to do with basic hand hygiene and morbid statistics. I’m not saying to turn a blind eye to all that is going on around us – that would be irresponsible to say the least, but like I said – a temporary pause. 

Trust me – at least one of you or maybe even both might need a break from it all. <raises hand excitedly>

LEAN ON ONE ANOTHER

No one will have your back more than the person that knows you the best. Your family members, your partner, your chosen family among your friends. But right now – your spouse is all of that and more. He/she has become your mirror reflection, your bestie, your teacher, your student, your good, your bad, your better, your worst. So lean in, and know and trust they will catch you if and when you fall. And vice versa. It’s important to have the open discussion and to keep the gates of communication wide open. Alternatively, it’s important to also know when to go on silent mode, and to just be present without having to say a word. I’m still working on that. 

CATCH UP WITH YOUR FRIENDS

Like everything else – even the best things in life are in moderation. Sometimes you need big chunks of time with your partner, and small breaks in between. Or perhaps, time together is best in small tiny doses, in which case you plan out and schedule your break time – to keep each other sane. I know in our case, we do virtually everything together – almost ad nauseam. And even at the best of times, a quick face time check in from a friend or family member in another room is a very welcomed break. Gives us a chance to regroup, connect with our outside peeps, and come back stronger and geared up for another 23 hours together. 

Check out my post on the impact of social distancing on friendships and how to maintain connection with your best gal pals.

SEE THIS AS AN OPPORTUNITY TO GROW AND IMPROVE (and not destroy)

I often hear of friends humming and hawwing about having to spend another minute with their spouses. No judgement… we’re all human and we all need physical space. The kind of space that sometimes a one bedroom loft apartment might not be able to provide. There are times, however, when you just don’t have any option but to choose to see your situation for what it really is. Perhaps this forced seclusion will be the very thing that makes or breaks your relationship if you’re already facing challenges (hopefully not the latter, but I’m sending you love and light if it is). But for you couples and families that don’t really know how things will fare as we are told to stay home in close quarters, indefinitely – try seeing this as an opportunity to grow as a unit. A chance to improve, if you will, on current systems in place. Maybe you’ll find that some ways work better than others, and in these forced conditions, we can see what will help build our bonds and not break it. Mamas – look at this moment in time as the gift it really is. A gift to press the restart button. See why we became a chosen team in the first place. And a gift to work through the unimaginable together. 

Trust me friend – if you can get through the tumultuous times together, you can get through anything. Who knows, maybe this global turbulence might actually be the very thing that will help you fall back in love again.

How is being in the crux of a global pandemic placing an impact on your marriage and partnership?

It’s for better or for worse, after all…