Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day – October 15th, 2018
Today, on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day, we honor, celebrate, and break the silence of our infertility, losses, and grief. Many assume that once you have your rainbow baby, all of that grief magically disappears. For our family, grief takes on a new meaning – but it never goes away. For some, it gets even more confusing and heartbreaking because they are torn between joy and sadness – consumed by guilt with the simple notion that moving on with a rainbow baby might actually mean leaving their lost babies behind.
Not a day goes by that I do not think of my 9 darling little ones that I loved in utero and lost. There are moments when I hold my living, breathing beautiful son and daughter and cry my eyes out. How can I still have moments of such intense sadness when life is so incredible and my blessings are right in front of me? It’s simple really. Inevitably, we are surrounded daily, by triggers that bring us right back to those painful moments. Either a song that played when I first found out I was pregnant with William, or a dress I wore when we found out Lucy was a girl, or a heartbreaking episode of This is Us comes on that centers around a miscarriage, or a friend calls me in tears because she’s had yet another disappointing round of fertility treatment – the triggers are all around us. Remembering so vividly like it was yesterday, how difficult the journey was to get to our rainbow after the tumultuous storm, is what makes it so hard to forget.
But the most heartbreaking realization is… Although my children will always know of their siblings that never came to be, they will live an entire life without them.
The are no words to describe how it feels to know that the baby that was once kicking and fluttering in your belly, or that little nugget you saw on the ultrasound, or that deep dark line you saw on your pregnancy test, is a mere memory and hope lost. Losing your child at any point of their existence, no matter how many children you have earthside, is the kind of pain you do not wish on your worst enemy.
Having said all that, holding our tiny miracle in my arms as I write this, is also an experience that cannot be put into simple words. I am overwhelmed with gratitude and infinite joy. When a journey of infertility reaches it’s final destination – you start to believe that the brief moments of existence of your lost pregnancies was not in vain. I truly believe in my heart of hearts that in every possible way – my angel babes brought my son to me. They guided him safely into my arms and will continue to guide him and his sister throughout their entire lives.
We are surrounded by these 9 precious gifts.
Friends – if you know of anyone who has suffered a miscarriage, stillbirth, or baby loss due to SIDs – please… please… hold their hand, listen to them, pray for them, lean in and offer them a safe judge-free space, do whatever you can to support them. Honor their grief and let them know they are not alone. That empty feeling parents of loss experience when they have just lost a baby, or those couples inundated with fertility issues and disappointment month after month year after year, or the families celebrating an anniversary of their baby gone too soon – is an emptiness that words alone cannot comfort. Give them love and encouragement, understanding and compassion. Say their baby’s name. Don’t scrutinize or compare. Don’t question their grief.
Honor their grief.
Today, on Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness day – we set our little ones free from that cloud of sadness that has been looming over our family for much too long. We honor their existence by thanking them for giving me the joy and privilege of carrying them for the short amount of time that I did. My four babies: Victoria, William, Lucy, and Charlie and my other 5 earlier angel babes – Mommy will always love and cherish you. I promise to relish in the joy that your brother and sister give me. Even at a 4am diaper change, or in the midst of a meltdown, or on the 2nd week of potty training, or the 10th failed attempt at riding a two wheeler – even on those tough days – I promise to honor you by knowing just how blessed we are to have these two in our arms. And today, on pregnancy and infant loss awareness day – I will honor all the babies that were far too beautiful for earth, and celebrate all the moms and dads of loss.
Sending all our love and understanding to our brave, fellow loss parents.
You are not alone,
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