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I Am a Mother of Three Children – An Experience of Infant Loss

January 30, 2014 By Deb B. 57 Comments

Many of my friends and readers may not know this, but I am a mother of 3 children.

By now you may be quite familiar with my firstborn, LD – our 2 year old monkey who has managed to take over babystylista in its entirety, with her unique sense of sass er, I mean… style and character. Her existence in our lives inspire us every second of the day.

LD Babystylista

But like I said… I am a mother of 3 children.

Today, January 30th, is a very important day for our family. A year ago today, January 30th, 2013, I lost my second child, Victoria, halfway into my pregnancy, in the second trimester. We had such a false sense of hope with the pregnancy so far along, you can imagine the utter disappointment (and despair) we experienced losing her. More on our precious little Tory can be read here.

By no coincidence… today, January 30th, 2014 also marks yet another significant moment in our lives. It would have been the due date of my third child – my son, William, who was delivered in the second trimester, and also did not survive. This time,  I was very much connected to the baby and his ongoing development.  Unlike my pregnancy with Tory, I knew very early on that I was pregnant.  Every appointment brought great news of normal progress. But one dreadful day this past fall, I started to bleed.  It was days of emergency room visits and calls to the doctor – all confirming that the baby was fine.  We even saw his strong heartbeat.  But then the bleeding stopped, and the cramping began.  Within moments, I felt like my water broke and I knew that something was terribly wrong. I was quickly rushed to the hospital – where I had actually delivered my son. He was alive for only a few moments when I held him in my arms. As tiny as he was, I could see his eyes, his ears, his little nose, arms, legs and teeny tiny toes.  I was given this opportunity – as painful as it was… to tell my baby that mommy loved him.

Infant Loss Babystylista

That day forever changed me. I am no longer the same person I was before I lost my son.  Losing him, allowed me not only to grieve for my child whom I had a physical and tangible experience with – but to finally grieve my daughter, Tory, after spending months in the early part of the year focusing on how to “move on”.  It was a double whammy for me, having lost two precious babies in utero only months apart from one another.  I kept hearing over and over (I even caught myself saying it to myself, thinking it would soften the blow somehow…), “God only gives you what you can handle“, but I’m not so sure we were equipped to handle any of this. Even now, in retrospect – I have no idea how I could have possibly recovered from such a traumatic moment.  However, after some time, support, and a LOT of prayer – I can actually look at it now – as a double blessing.  They are now in paradise with one another, side by side – preparing a place for their family – their mommy and daddy, their sister, their grandparents, and all of their family here on earth. Because of my two babies whom I unfortunately, never had the opportunity to watch grow, stumble, succeed, and smile – I am here with you sharing my story – in hopes that I can help even one person get through a similar experience of such tragic loss: to touch even one life with the hope that happiness and joy is just around the corner.

And joy indeed, was just around the corner. One floor above, to be exact.

An amazing turn of events really gave me the conviction I needed to accept the loss of my son. A newfound friend of mine gave birth the floor above me at almost the exact time I was losing William. She was not aware I was in the hospital at the time, nor  did she even have an inkling of my pregnancy. When I was able to shut off my sorrow for 30 seconds, I texted her to see how her pregnancy was coming along. She told me that she had in fact, given birth, and to my astonishment – on the same day and around the same time that I lost William… and without any knowledge of what we had named the son I had just lost, she told me that she named hers… William.

This little baby, who is now a few months old, holds in the palm of his tiny little hands, the heart of a mother who had just lost her little one. When I held him for the first time – an overwhelming sense of peace took over my entire jaded being. His eyes were the windows through which I caught glimpses of my own son, and I thanked him for being that living representation of what could have been. One would assume that this moment would have been a difficult one for me – but such was not the case. It was just what I needed to understand the complexities of God’s ultimate plan for me and my family. There IS hope – I just have to remain faithful.

2013 was a year of loss for our family, but we are now looking forward to a new year – focusing our energy (mainly of love and laughter) on the little monkey that we are blessed to have in our daily lives.  Once I was able to forgive myself, and to stop blaming myself for what happened during both of my pregnancies (by the way – I have undergone a million tests and both my miscarriage and stillbirth remains a mystery), I was able to accept what happened and eventually move forward.  Not surprisingly, there are moments, even now, where I continue to struggle with this “lack of understanding” trying to figure out what I could have done differently. I am often misled in thinking that if I understand it, then I can finally accept it. So I am constantly looking for answers.  But during those moments of desperation, I quickly remind myself that sometimes just simple acceptance, no matter what the circumstance, often happens in the absence of answers.

Part of our healing can be attributed to our decision in naming both our children, and acknowledging their presence and existence in our lives. We had little William cremated and held a prayer service for him, and it was especially moving to see LD feel (and quite possibly, comprehend) so much at such a young age.

January 30 Babystylista

January 30 Babystylista

The wonderful staff at the Burial park gave us Spirit Houses to be placed in their memorial garden at the highest point of the cemetery – to commemorate little ones lost before birth, at birth, or shortly after.

January 30 Babystylista

We also attended a beautiful vigil dedicated to the unborn.  We lit candles in their honor. It was one of the most touching moments we have ever experienced together as a family.

January 30 Babystylista

I continue on this journey of healing – overcoming the hurdles of doubt, and sorrow, and at times, anger and bitterness.  Slowly but surely – joy is replacing the grief, as I do what is best advised to me by loved ones: to allow myself to grieve the loss of my children, but not to forget to be grateful for the opportunity to be their mother and to look forward to the day I will see them again.

Our family looks forward to the day we are greeted at the pearly gates by three very special individuals who have forever left their mark in our lives. Their lives short, their existence profound.

Victoria, Kevin, & William

Happy January 30th my darling babies (Our pug, Kevin, that goes for you too…). Until we meet again.

In the meantime I shall relish in the joy of my firstborn. She is my heart.

I am the Mother of 3 Children Babystylista

And in my heart… I AM the mother of 3 children.

db 

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A special thank you to Big Daddy (http://www.georgebalino.com) who once again, illustrated the most flawless interpretation of how we visualize our babies at this very moment. I may not know much – but I do know in my heart of hearts, that our babies are together, happy as can be. I am certain little William is blissfully causing a world of ruckus, while Tory diligently shows her little brother the ropes. All while Kevin‘s tail is wagging a million miles a minute hoping as always, for scraps to fall.

Filed Under: our fertility journey, Sass & Smalls gets real Tagged With: Baby, death, family, infant loss, loss, miscarriage, pregnancy, stillbirth, stillborn

About Deb B.

Deb Balino is the voice behind Sass & Smalls, host of the newly launched Podcast - Sass & Small Talk, and a mom of two - an artistic and quirky 11-year-old, and an outspoken, homewrecking, retro music loving, 4-year-old. A décor and style enthusiast, as well as a home systems hack creator, with a mildly concerning obsession of all things "bin-worthy", Deb enjoys sharing products, experiences, progressive ideas, and simple shifts in mindset that has helped her family navigate the beautiful chaos of parenting. Deb is also a homeschool teacher, partially by choice, partially pandemic-inspired, while advocating and caring for her parents as an active member of the Sandwich Generation. With vulnerability, and a dash of humour - she shares the reality of her world, all while keeping things as sassy as they once were before the drool, meltdowns, and potty mishaps entered the picture.

Her creative ideas, lengthy storytelling, and everyday musings have been featured on Huffington Post, Yahoo Style, BBC News, and YMC.CA

Comments

  1. Amy Worrell says

    January 30, 2014 at 6:37 pm

    What a brave post to write. I hope that the sadness today brings get a little easier to deal with as the years go by. Thank you for sharing such a personal side of you and your family
    Reply
    • babystylista says

      January 30, 2014 at 8:38 pm

      Thank you Amy. We really do believe that time will work its magic. In the meantime – thank you for reading and for your kind words.
      babystylista recently posted…The Little Black Swan {Wordless Wednesday} {Linky}My Profile
      Reply
  2. JEnn says

    January 30, 2014 at 6:54 pm

    OMG! I want to reach into the computer and hug you!! You are a brave, strong Mama!! Thank you for sharing your story and your loss. You will be reunited one day in Heaven, until then know you have two beautiful angels protecting you!
    JEnn recently posted…Keeping track of your luggage with FinderCodesMy Profile
    Reply
    • babystylista says

      January 30, 2014 at 8:38 pm

      Aww thanks Jenn! Yes – I look forward to our reunion – it really does help to envision it. xx
      babystylista recently posted…The Little Black Swan {Wordless Wednesday} {Linky}My Profile
      Reply
  3. Kristen Bobbitt says

    January 30, 2014 at 8:01 pm

    I am so sorry for your tragic losses. Please know that nothing is your fault!

    I experienced my own loss early in my first pregnancy. I can imagine how hard this must be for you. Sending love and peace your way.
    Kristen Bobbitt recently posted…My Bucket List — What’s On Yours?My Profile

    Reply
    • babystylista says

      January 30, 2014 at 8:39 pm

      I’m so sorry for your loss as well Kristen. Early or late – it’s all the same, especially with the physical bond we have with these little ones. Thanks for sharing, and visiting.
      babystylista recently posted…The Little Black Swan {Wordless Wednesday} {Linky}My Profile
      Reply
  4. Deborah Mullan says

    January 30, 2014 at 8:23 pm

    I'll never forget running into you and your MiL downtown shortly afterwards. My heart absolutely broke for you. What an odd blessing it is to take things like this and turn them toward something good. I feel the same way about my experiences as well.

    I'm always reminded of Romans 8:28 — And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

    Reply
  5. babystylista says

    January 30, 2014 at 8:35 pm

    I remember that day like it was yesterday. I do find it a blessing that through our losses we were able to get to know one another and work through it together. Love that verse so much – it's the only way to get through this. xx
    Reply
  6. Stephanie says

    January 30, 2014 at 9:13 pm

    Deb, you’re amazing. Very brave to write this, very beautifully written, and my condolences for your losses. Hugs!
    Reply
    • babystylista says

      February 1, 2014 at 7:36 am

      Thank you Steph. I really needed to hear that – but honestly, I don’t feel brave at all. It was actually so healing to be able to put it out there… so for “selfish” reasons I did. 🙂 However, I am rewarded with so many people writing me messages sharing similar stories, and that means so much. Thanks for your hugs. xx
      babystylista recently posted…The Little Black Swan {Wordless Wednesday} {Linky}My Profile
      Reply
  7. Sarah at Journeys of The Zoo says

    January 31, 2014 at 3:15 am

    Dear D,

    Yes, you are the mother of three children. I think it’s wonderful what you are doing to celebrate all your children’s lives.

    Not a day goes by where my son’s name, Alexander is not spoken. His life mattered and I want his sibilings to know that.

    No one knows what it’s like to walk a moment in our shoes. Not that you’d want them to. For me, I find comfort in knowing that someone else understands. Even though it means that they too must have lost a child.

    If you ever want to talk, I am here to cry, listen, vent or share my story.

    “The life and death of each of us has an influence on others ROM 4:17”.

    Besos, Sarah
    Sarah at Journeys of The Zoo recently posted…On the Eve of Your Death…My Profile

    Reply
    • babystylista says

      February 1, 2014 at 7:32 am

      I often think of Alexander and how he is always included in your everyday life with the rest of your beautiful family. It’s so inspirational – thank you. I also find so much comfort when someone else understands and that we can hold each other’s hands throughout the process. Thank you for holding mine! Hugs to you right back! xx
      babystylista recently posted…The Little Black Swan {Wordless Wednesday} {Linky}My Profile
      Reply
  8. Nancy @ Whispered Inspirations says

    January 31, 2014 at 8:19 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t even begin to imagine that. Sending you good vibes and hugs. I am glad that you are able to always remember.
    Reply
    • babystylista says

      February 1, 2014 at 7:32 am

      Thank you Nancy. So wonderful to receive your virtual hugs :).
      babystylista recently posted…The Little Black Swan {Wordless Wednesday} {Linky}My Profile
      Reply
  9. Acooba says

    January 31, 2014 at 10:34 pm

    Thank you for sharing so openheartedly…we love you very much.
    Hugs,
    Acooba
    Reply
    • babystylista says

      February 1, 2014 at 7:33 am

      Right back at you Miss Acooba. You’re always so wonderful to me. Much love to you and your beautiful family 🙂
      babystylista recently posted…The Little Black Swan {Wordless Wednesday} {Linky}My Profile
      Reply
  10. Amber Dawn Tonsi says

    February 2, 2014 at 6:57 pm

    Your courage and grace astounds me, Debbie. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so sorry for your losses and keep you and your family in my prayers. Much love.
    Reply
    • babystylista says

      February 17, 2014 at 10:07 pm

      Thank you so much Amber. What a nice thing to say… And thanks for the prayers 🙂 xx
      babystylista recently posted…Love is in the Flair!My Profile
      Reply
  11. Danielle says

    February 19, 2014 at 2:03 am

    Thank you for sharing your heart in this post. It was encouraging and refreshing to hear someone else’s honesty. You are a brave woman!
    Danielle recently posted…Zulily: HOT TOMS Sale Went Live Early – HURRY!!!!My Profile
    Reply
  12. Tamara says

    February 19, 2014 at 5:14 am

    Sharing a piece of your heart like that takes great courage. Your strength amazes me. I can’t even image the pain you have been through in loss. Big hugs to you & your continued healing. You will be in my prayers. You have a beautiful daughter & I know she must be so proud of you.
    Tamara recently posted…Red Gold Tomatoes Lasagna Recipe, ReviewMy Profile
    Reply
  13. Rebecca Busenitz says

    February 19, 2014 at 3:58 pm

    You are such an inspiration to me. Your expression of heartache is very real, & I feel the pain you have endured. As a mom of 4 little ones, I will always remember your acknowledgement of your children and your willingness to seek joy in the face of devastating loss. Your love for your them is evident – may I always have that kind of love for my own, and be strong enough to treasure their memory regardless of the pain it may cause. You are a strong and powerful woman! God’s blessings be showered on your family and your blog.
    Rebecca Busenitz recently posted…3 Ways to Avoid Emotional BreakdownMy Profile
    Reply
  14. Vita @ VitaLivesFree says

    February 19, 2014 at 5:33 pm

    You are such a strong woman. Your daughter is adorable. And I wish you a lot of happiness in the future. You deserve it after everything you’ve gone through!
    Vita @ VitaLivesFree recently posted…Our Paleo Fitness and Weight Loss Transformation – From Skinny Fat to FitMy Profile
    Reply
  15. Harvey Button says

    February 19, 2014 at 8:36 pm

    What a sad post with so much grief, but a positive post with so much love, and so much affection for your lovely little girl. I once read that you cannot put a timetable on grief – it takes its own time. One day I hope you will see your little girl go to college, become a doctor or a writer, or a great chef! You will never forget but you will love what you have all the more.
    Reply
  16. Vanessa Sumner says

    February 20, 2014 at 3:05 am

    Wow, this was an incredibly moving read. I can't tell you how sorry I am for your loss, and yet I am touched by your ability to heal and keep living when it probably seemed impossible.
    Reply
  17. Dave Sumner says

    February 20, 2014 at 3:20 am

    What a powerful post. It brought back a lot of feelings that I haven’t experienced in a very long time. My mom lost a baby in between my brother’s birth and mine (which were 17 years apart). I used to experience guilt over why I lived and my sibling did not. I had not thought of this in years until this month when I had a birthday and was telling my wife the story about what my mom went through. I have never really talked about this, but sometimes I have had to wonder whether I am that baby born later, or if that baby would have lived if I never came along . . . things like that which I suppose nobody else would ever think about unless in this position. Reading about your strength made me feel better, especially for my mom who suffered mostly in silence due to the era when she had her loss. I am very sorry for what you went through. Thank you for sharing such a meaningful story with us.
    Reply
  18. Jenny Nickel says

    February 20, 2014 at 3:23 pm

    You are so brave, thank you for sharing your story! My sister-in-law had a very similar experience with my nephew last year. My nephew's name is Bryton and I bet he's kicking it up in Heaven with your dear babes. I am so sorry for your losses!
    Reply
  19. Brianna at Mending the Piggy Bank says

    February 21, 2014 at 2:04 am

    Thank you so much for having the courage to share your story. I lost my first pregnancy at 13 weeks and though it was over six years ago and I’ve since had two beautiful and wonderful sons, the pain often feels as raw as the day my husband and I found out our baby no longer had a heartbeat. I too consider myself a mother of three and acknowledge the due date and the day the baby passed away each year. I’m terribly sorry for your losses and hope that if you decide to try again that you’ll have a stylish rainbow baby!
    Reply
  20. Ashley S says

    February 21, 2014 at 3:06 am

    Wow, I am honestly speechless with tears running down my face right now. I am so very sorry for your loss and am just blown away with your ability to share it and be so honest. Thank you for sharing.
    Ashley S recently posted…Reading Is Amazing – A Review and My 2014 Book ChallengesMy Profile
    Reply
  21. Carol Z says

    February 21, 2014 at 3:10 am

    What a beautiful and thoughtful post. I feel I got to know all three of your children and their lovely mother. Thanks for being so open.
    Reply
  22. Divachyk @Relaxed Thairapy says

    February 21, 2014 at 3:40 am

    I’m so very sorry for your losses but congratulate you on your blessings of your firstborn. Prayers are with you. Hang in there.
    Divachyk @Relaxed Thairapy recently posted…Healthy Hair Moment: Meet Tenesha B.My Profile
    Reply
  23. Patty Mejia Burke says

    February 21, 2014 at 4:10 am

    How blessed you are to have your daughter – and yes, you ARE the mother of three children. I hear others tell moms who have gone through the loss of a pregnancy that those babies don't count and I just want to slug them…and I'm not a violent person! Having never gone through a loss such as yours, I can't imagine it would be easy to live through, much less "get over" as others also say. Life is a challenge. You are incredibly strong – your daughter will be, too, as she watches you navigate through life!
    Reply
  24. Dawn Boyer says

    February 21, 2014 at 2:34 pm

    Thank you for sharing this. You touched my heart and I am blessed. May your heart heal a little more each day. You have a beautiful heart.
    Reply
  25. Cherie @ In Cherie's Words says

    February 21, 2014 at 11:28 pm

    I want to give you a huge hug. I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. 🙁 You are so brave to write in detail your story. I don’t think I could ever (in detail) explain what happened. Yes, you are a mother of three. And those little angels will forever watch over their mommy and family. I’ve suffered two in my lifetime. My recent one was this past Christmas. It wasn’t the Christmas gift I wanted. I am a mother of three, with two in heaven. Thank you for sharing your story with us. And you have one little fashionista there. 🙂
    Cherie @ In Cherie’s Words recently posted…Feature Friday – February 21, 2014My Profile
    Reply
  26. Dory says

    February 21, 2014 at 11:29 pm

    I have a nephew who would be 5 in April and we have another nephew born a month later and he is definitely the balm of Gilead 🙂
    Dory recently posted…Toys & BoysMy Profile
    Reply
  27. Ali Gilbert says

    February 22, 2014 at 1:57 am

    What an incredible story. So touching. Thanks for being honest and open as there are many readers that can relate. So sorry for your loss, but thanks for having the courage to tell your story so that others can have hope and encouragement through it.
    Reply
  28. Anastasia Carpenter says

    February 22, 2014 at 7:47 pm

    I’m so sorry for your losses! It sounds like you’re handling it well and have a healthy attitude about it. I can’t imagine how hard it must be. Your little girl is beautiful. I’m sure she brings much joy into your life! Blessings!
    Anastasia Carpenter recently posted…40 Ways to Afford Organic FoodsMy Profile
    Reply
  29. Leila Kennedy says

    February 23, 2014 at 3:11 am

    What a sweet story. I am so sorry for your losses. I could never imagine losing a baby. Those that have are stronger than I could ever imagine being. I do not know how one can survive, but props to you. Your daughter is precious and the love you had for your other two babies is evident. Big hugs to you!!!
    Reply
  30. Anna says

    February 23, 2014 at 8:41 am

    Wow this was really heartbreaking to read. I can’t even imagine what you must have been going through. I admire the strength that kept you going.
    Reply
  31. Jen says

    February 23, 2014 at 4:53 pm

    You ARE the mother of 3 children! And I applaud you for your honesty, and your courage. I cannot imagine your pain and the hearbreak that you have been through. I hope that this year brings you more happiness than ever before.
    Jen recently posted…Pocket Scrapping 101…My Profile
    Reply
  32. babystylista says

    February 23, 2014 at 8:55 pm

    Thank you so much for visiting and for your virtual hugs! Yes – losing a baby is as unimaginable as it seems. But you're right – just like anything else, you become strong with every life struggle. I can't say I'm terribly strong – but I'm definitely stronger than I was a year ago. xx
    Reply
  33. Stacey says

    February 23, 2014 at 9:13 pm

    I cannot even begin to imagine how you must feel. I have two children and was blessed with perfectly normal pregnancies both times. It didn’t stop me imagining the worst for the whole nine months though. I don’t know if I could have survived what you have been through but I commend you for speaking about your children and teaching your little girl about them. Children understand a lot more than we give them credit for.
    Stacey recently posted…10 Weeks to sort my life out – Week 2 – The Bare NecessitiesMy Profile
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  34. Diana Branco says

    February 24, 2014 at 5:23 am

    What a lovely post. Thank you for sharing your story, I'm very sorry for your loss.
    Reply
  35. A Kerr says

    February 25, 2014 at 12:10 am

    Hugs and prayers from another mother of loss. My heart goes out to you!
    A Kerr recently posted…Family Game NightMy Profile
    Reply
  36. Tanai Goldwire says

    February 25, 2014 at 2:25 am

    Sharing your story with all of us was very generous, thank you. I am so sorry for your loss but so grateful for your journey. Thank you so much for sharing. You touched my heart.
    Reply
  37. Becky @ Your Modern Family & Bloggingontheside says

    February 25, 2014 at 2:58 am

    I am so glad that you shared this- I, too, have experienced the loss of our baby (she would have been our 4th). We had one more after that loss, but she will always be remembered and loved. I consider myself the mama to five and I know that God is holding her, until I can get there to hold her, too.
    Thank you for sharing your heart & your story,
    Becky

    PS- could your daughter be ANY CUTER?!
    Becky @ Your Modern Family & Bloggingontheside recently posted…4 ingredient blueberry dump CakeMy Profile

    Reply
  38. Jillian @ Baby Doodah! says

    February 25, 2014 at 10:28 am

    What a beautiful story!

    I’m so sorry for the loss of your children, but thank you for sharing your experience. I, myself, have not gone through something like this but knowing that there are means of support for those that have is so important.

    Thank you for sharing your story.
    Jillian @ Baby Doodah! recently posted…Sunday Meal Plan – Link UpMy Profile

    Reply
  39. Amber says

    February 25, 2014 at 2:53 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss. As a mother of a beautiful little boy after a long struggle with fertility, I know how precious that child you do have with you is. You are the mother of 3 children and I will keep your family in my prayers.
    Amber recently posted…The Pinterest Plan: How to Lose Weight by Playing for 10 minutes a day on PinterestMy Profile
    Reply
  40. Kim says

    February 25, 2014 at 9:39 pm

    My heart goes out to you! I too lost a baby before birth and it was the hardest and worst experience. I wondered how mothers go on after such an experience, but I had the help of my own wonderful mother who lost two children in infancy and still managed to raise the rest of us.

    I am glad that you are coming to terms with your loss and are loving your babies who are on the other side. I know they wait for you and will be part of your family again. Take strength in that and love the little one that you have.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers.
    Kim recently posted…Valentine Chocolate Smash Book PageMy Profile

    Reply
  41. Mo says

    February 25, 2014 at 10:06 pm

    My prayers are with you and your family. I pray for your strength and courage. Thank you for sharing your story.
    Mo recently posted…Review: Julep Freedom Polymer Top CoatMy Profile
    Reply
  42. Tanya says

    February 25, 2014 at 10:43 pm

    This is a touching story, thank you for sharing. I admire your strength and courage. Your daughter is absolutely adorable!
    Tanya recently posted…Candle Jar RecyclingMy Profile
    Reply
  43. Rachel Lavern@Online Biz Boomer Babe says

    February 26, 2014 at 1:04 am

    What a beautiful celebration of your children! Your daughter is darling. May God pour a bounty of blessings upon you and your family.
    Rachel Lavern@Online Biz Boomer Babe recently posted…You Deserve the BestMy Profile
    Reply
  44. Nicole Mildren says

    February 26, 2014 at 8:32 am

    You my dear are an inspiration to all mothers, not just those who have lost children. I give you so many hugs. You are strong and your story is one that of courage, and strength. God bless you and your family, and your absolutely stunning daughter.
    Reply
  45. Desiree Arpin says

    February 26, 2014 at 12:48 pm

    That is such a heartbreaking story! I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine the feeling of losing a baby, let alone 2.
    Reply
  46. Teresa says

    February 26, 2014 at 7:35 pm

    What an honest post. Thank you for sharing it. I feel so bad that you had to experience 2 loses. It’s difficult to know why you have gone through this, but know God has a purpose. Healing takes time, but it sounds like He’s bringing you through.
    Teresa recently posted…Eco-Friendly LED Christmas LightsMy Profile
    Reply
  47. Lydia @ Not Afraid of the Snow says

    February 26, 2014 at 8:52 pm

    I can imagine how long of a healing process this will be, for the rest of your life. I am sure that naming your child and holding them dearly in your hearts has made a great impact on the healing process. Thanks for the honest post.
    Lydia @ Not Afraid of the Snow recently posted…Goals: Week of February 24thMy Profile
    Reply
  48. Emily says

    February 26, 2014 at 11:33 pm

    Beautifully written. I lost a child very early on between my second daughter and my son. I often look at it as my son wasn’t quite ready for this world. I don’t know the gender of the lost one but my son had some lung problems in the beginning, I think I had to wait until he was wrong enough to live a healthy life and he just wouldn’t have been earlier
    Reply
  49. Mercedes {Beyond Beauty Lounge} says

    March 7, 2014 at 2:02 am

    I can’t begin to imagine how hard a loss of this nature is. This must have been a hard yet therapeutic post to write. My thoughts are with you.
    Mercedes {Beyond Beauty Lounge} recently posted…Building A MAC Makeup Collection:February 2014My Profile
    Reply

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🎙 Host @sassandsmalltalkpodcast TELUS Storyhive
🌶️ Neuro D Mama to 🌶️👧🏻🧒🏻
🇵🇭 Caregiver ⚕️👵🏼👴🏼
🔥 Burnout Survivor
📽️ Storyteller
👇🏻Get YOUR Sass back

Deb B. | Sass & Smalls
SOMETHING * IS * BREWING :: A #behindthescenes gli SOMETHING * IS * BREWING :: A #behindthescenes glimpse of what feels like the beginning of a powerful shift in #womenshealth right here in #Victoria.

To stand alongside such empowered women — #caregivers, #changemakers, survivors, women from all walks of life — in the very place where the hands and hearts of this hospital held me and my family together (in more ways than one)… it was overwhelming in the best way.

Even more so, to share it with my daughter, my fiercest little survivor. Both of our stories of survival are woven into these hospital walls.

This was more than just a shoot. This was change taking place in real time. Honoured to be a tiny part of this moment as it unfolds.

Thank you for bringing this to life @ourvichospitals @averybrohman @gaellevanerp 💛
To the kind dad at the @royalbaycolwood Easter Egg To the kind dad at the @royalbaycolwood Easter Egg Hunt this past Saturday—

You probably didn’t realize how much you and your kids impacted our day.

My son had just missed the first few minutes of the egg hunt (as usual, this mama was running late with a million things on her plate—homeschooling, caregiving, promoting a show, working from home, managing the home, advocating, feeding the young and old, managing moods... the usual chaos).

He stood in line for the balloon dome and said quietly, trying , “I got zero eggs, mama.”

You heard him. Your son, who seemed a bit overwhelmed himself covering his ears from all the noise, and your little girl, reached into their own baskets and filled my son’s bag.

I watched as kindness bloomed in real time.

You didn’t just hand out chocolate—you gave my son the gift of feeling seen and included. You taught your kids what generosity really looks like.

And for this tired, always-late, sandwich-gen special-needs mom—your gesture meant more than you’ll ever know.

If anyone in the Westshore community knows this lovely family (dad of Grayson?), please tag them or send them our thanks.

This is what #community looks like. 🐣💛

#SandwichGeneration #GlassChild #NeurodivergentMom #MomGuilt #CommunityLove #WestshoreBC #VictoriaMoms #RoyalBayColwood #RealEasterMagic #SmallKindnessBigImpact
She podcasts. She parents. She’s got a 🌶️ She podcasts. 
She parents. 
She’s got a 🌶️ 🧠.
She’s fresh outta burnout mode.
She sips #HappyJ.
And now, with🎙️in hand… she’s streaming on @TELUS @STORYHIVE (because even #actionfigures need a l’il 📺 airtime).

Hey, I’m Deb B., host of @sassandsmalltalkpodcast — a podcast turned video series where we get real about #parenting and #caregiver #burnout, and find joy in the messy middle.

Fueled by my go-to fix-the-gut-fix-the-burnout potion🥤, a l’il bit of tears, and a whole lotta sass, this season brings on the reality of living in the #burnout generation, with guests who will leave you asking yourself “where have they been all my life?”

Because we are DONE glorifying busy.
We’re saying YES to rest.
And HEEEECK YES to finding our joy once again. #INeedMySassBack

Catch the Pod Edition now on TELUS OptikTV Ch 9, Stream+, and on #Storyhive YouTube (Search Storyhive Sass Small Talk) Link on my bio for Episodes 1 & 2.

🦉 Sexy Studio. ✔️ I 👀 @haus.of.owl 
🛋️ Cozy couch. ✔️
🎙️ Good convo. ✔️
🥹 Big feelings. ✔️
🤩 And even bigger lashes. ✔️✔️✔️

LET’S TALK. 

Oh and PS - wanna know how to get your action figure #animated? Follow me, write “SASS”, and let me know what your action figure would be in the comments below and I’ll hook you up. 

#SassAndSmalls #TelusStoryhive #HappyJEnergy #GoodbyeBurnout #SmallTalkBigFeels #actionfigure #barbie #AI #Amare #happyblend #cortisol
When life gives you burnout… do squats. 🍑 In When life gives you burnout… do squats. 🍑

In Episode 2 of @sassandsmalltalkpodcast “Reclaiming Joy of #Parenthood Beyond Burnout”, I take on the ultimate #challenge:
Fitting fitness into my already chaotic #caregiving, #homeschooling, always behind the wheel, #neurodivergent navigating, mom-life schedule. 🧠🎢💪

Add to the mix, a busy 🧠 that thrives on chaos and fun? Why not #gamify? Moms- let’s do the #TriggerWordChallenge!! Every time your kids say (aka “demand”, I mean c’mon now…) “MOM!”, do a squat! In the kitchen, while cleaning, cooking, folding laundry. Just don’t do it driving! #safetyfirst

For this episode, Every time *I* said the word “lash” — yep, I squat. 😅

Joining me is none other than Victoria’s go-to #LashLady, who most would call a client-proclaimed “lash-a-pist” and certified #fitness coach, Emily Bowman @nevaehjade.beautywellness, who’s here to talk #burnout, #beauty, and #body movement. And I’m here to try and master the world’s most chaotic squat routine. 🙃

Side note: Psssst… your girl hasn’t done a squat since before the Pandy of 2020 so this may be nbd to the average person, but it’s quite literally a miracle ⛪️ for 🙋🏻‍♀️. #whateverworks #amIright?

Catch more laughter, squats, Yoga-envy 🧘🏻‍♀️, words of wisdom, and a tear or two…  on the full episode 🎙️NOW STREAMING on a 📺 near you. @Telus OptikTV (search “Storyhive Sass” on Demand), Ch. 9, Stream+ app, @storyhive YouTube

Comment “Squat” if you want the full episode link on @storyhive‘s YouTube. But it’s even more fun on TV, so try that first! We sure are…

#SassAndSmallTalk #SquatGoals #BurnoutAndBootyGains #bunsofsteel #LashLadyTakesOver #NeurodivergentMomLife #CaregiverFitness #SquatWhileYouCan #HomeschoolChaos #MomLifeUnfiltered #VictoriaBC #StoryHive #ReclaimYourJoy #JLoGotNothingOnMe
The PREMIERE episode is now LIVE on a 📺 near yo The PREMIERE episode is now LIVE on a 📺 near you!

SASS & SMALL TALK “Reclaiming the Joy of Parenthood, Beyond Burnout” is NOW STREAMING on @TELUS OptikTV, Ch. 9, Stream+, and @storyhive. 

“Join Deb and local lifestyle creator and entrepreneur, Natasha Mills of @mommamillsblog. Natasha reveals her bold shift from a successful corporate career to building a personal brand from home, striving for family balance while advocating for her community in Victoria, BC. Will this new path bring the joy she seeks, or will it come with its own set of challenges and #burnout? Tune in for an inspiring discussion on making a #careerpivot, finding purpose, and evolving as a recovering high achiever.”

Recorded & Produced @haus.of.owl @nikkye_music @jakerfilms @eric.thebald @remy.is.remy @hoelune 

@sassandsmalltalkpodcast is made possible with the support from TELUS STORYHIVE, and is available for free on
TELUS Optik TV, CH.9, and Stream+

#watchlocal #SassAndSmallTalk #ParenthoodUnfiltered #MomBurnout  #ParentingPodcast #StoryHive #VictoriaBC #MentalWellnessMatters #twinmom #momprenuer #burnoutrecovery #twinfamily
Calling in the troops. 🫠🔥 Because burnout is Calling in the troops. 🫠🔥
Because burnout is real—and so is the comeback.

Meet the incredible guests of the debut Season on TELUS StoryHive of “Sass & Small Talk: Reclaiming the Joy of Parenthood Beyond Burnout” 🎙️

After years of #caregiving, #homeschooling, and navigating life in a #neurodivergent family… I hit a wall. 

Hello, #Burnout. 👋 

But thanks to @telus and the @storyhive Video Podcast Program, I sat down with fellow parents, experts, and some of the most resilient humans right here in Victoria, BC to have the conversations we ALL need.

Together, we talk burnout, grief, the mental load of parenting, partnership, career pivots, and what it really takes to reclaim joy and purpose in the thick of #parenting and caregiving. 

Made in the community. For the community. 

📍Filmed at: @hausofowl
🎤 Featuring:
@mommamillsblog @nevaehjade.beautywellness @glowjar_ 
@truedad.community 
@minimaggie 
@sacred_advantage 
@sarjo08 
@scarletjaxen

Episodes 1 & 2 NOW streaming on TELUS OptikTV Ch. 9, Stream+, Storyhive YouTube. One episode drop every Tuesday until May 20th. 

This is for the #caregivers. The #sandwichgen. #Parents rebuilding from burnout with community, courage, and a whole lotta sass. 💬

#CallingInTheTroops
#SassAndSmallTalk #ParenthoodUnfiltered #CaregiverBurnout #NeurodivergentFamily #MomBurnout #ReclaimYourJoy #ParentingPodcast #StoryHive #VictoriaBC #MentalWellnessMatters 
#watchLocalTV
AUTISTIC BURNOUT :: Did you know there was such a AUTISTIC BURNOUT :: Did you know there was such a thing?

Me Neither! 

But it sure helped me understand my #neurdodivergent not-so-baby teen daughter who has been in #burnout mode for years. Gaining understanding of this aspect of burnout helps us find ways to cope when it creeps up on us as parents - and especially for our children. 

Here’s a #behindthescenes look of my talk on @sassandsmalltalkpodcast filmed at the amazing creative studios of @haus.of.owl with @kkayjudas at @sacred_advantage. She is our wonderful guest and a dear friend (and incredible advocate for my daughter specifically), who shares insight and personal experience on #autisticburnout in this raw and honest interview about how she navigated (continues to navigate) life on the spectrum especially during burnout. I may or may not have shed a tear… or 10… 🤷🏻‍♀️

Tune in on @telus OptikTV Channel 9, stream+ on MAY 6th, and @storyhive YouTube on May 27th  to watch this compelling episode. 

And giving extra love to my beautiful and talented daughter who fine tuned the edit of this video! How blessed am I to be the mama of this creative young lady. Now gimme my phone back!!! 🤨

Have you or a loved one experienced Autistic Burnout?
Behind every #sandwichgeneration #entrepreneural # Behind every #sandwichgeneration #entrepreneural #homeschool #mom with #ADHD and #spicy kids, is: 
• a floor filled with painful-to-step-on toys and crafts
• Sniffly kiddos every few weeks 
• nothing crossed off her to-do list
• hundreds of unanswered texts/emails
• and a #mentalload sometimes too overwhelming to carry 

But unlike all the other gloomy seasons I’ve experienced this tough season, I have never felt such peace. 

WHY: 

• I have been walking through my #faithjourney with George and it’s been giving me a different outlook on everything life has thrown our way. My sistas in faith have kept us afloat this tough season @esther.driver @caarly.xo @lishgarv @nicoleacaldwell 

• I have been intentional on fixing my #guthealth, #cortisollevels, and #cognitivefunction with my daily #HJ #happy blend drink, and it has done wonders to my #mentalwellness  and overall health. <DM me for more info on this game changer drink>.

• I’ve been learning to just live in the moment and not be so caught up with doing EVERYTHING all at once. 

• I’m surrounding myself (albeit virtually and in spirit) with some of my chosen fam who probably get the most neglect of all, but still give me grace while I clumsily navigate this crazy season @nengineermom @rahannavu  @iamharpsra 
@m_stiggity 
@jenny_p1987  @westislanddesigns @kkayjudas @teacuphuman09 @i_am_miss_jen @swanny80 @trishita_namagita 

• Even though my business relies heavily on my #online presence, I’m giving myself grace for fully immersing myself in the needs of my family this last month I’ve been MIA. I know I can pick up where I left off, and lean on my mentors & biz sistas to pull me out of the seasonal funk @caitoaks @mommamillsblog, @happybalancemama @sweetmamalifedaily, and get back on track. 

Busy, overwhelmed mama… I see you. This is just a season. Do what you need to do, especially for you and your loved ones. Everything will still be there ready for you to “tackle” when you’re ready. 

And what losing two loved ones these last couple weeks has taught me - we’re only here temporarily. Spend your time earthside doing what you love, and loving who you love. @gjavier5 ❤️
No amount of “juice” can lessen the exposure t No amount of “juice” can lessen the exposure to elementary school winter bugs, but it sure came in handy when we need it IN & OUT of our household. 

Especially since I have elderly under my care. 

It skipped George and I entirely - but it definitely hit our two little ones, as bugs do. 

After a nice, tall glass of kid’s #HJ (mixed with some mango edge+ for my bigger and pickier smallie) - along with a nice snuggly nap - the symptoms were way less vicious than previous colds, and gone by the time I blended them their dose the next morning. 

It’s not some miracle drink with empty promises - it’s just ALL the good stuff in a glass. 

DM me if you want a sip for yourself or your sniffly kiddos. I’m telling you, our overall health and wellness as a family, has improved, since focusing on our #guthealth.

There is no price too high to pay for overall #wellness.

#happyblend #amare #fluseason
Impromptu check-in with my girl, Nicole from @happ Impromptu check-in with my girl, Nicole from @happybalancemama talking about all things #Amare. The reality behind #burnout,  #mentalwellness, finding our way through the everyday challenges and #mentalload of #motherhood, and how both of our lives have SHIFTED dramatically since starting our journey with fixing our #guthealth. 

#happyblend #juice #GBX #gutbrainconnection #gutbrainaxis #gutbrainhealth #gutbrain #motherhood #overwhelm
C O R T I S O L :: If you’re anything like me, y C O R T I S O L :: If you’re anything like me, you’ve tried to amp up in overall wellness - doing ALL the things…  and nothing worked 🪀🪀🪀🪀🪀 

ME THEN:(4.5 mnths + 4 decades ago)

• Cortisol levels out of control 
• Made self-sabotaging choices 
 • giving into sugar cravings
 • staying up all night doom 
  scrolling & researching 
  how to “fix” my life/kids/home 
  leading to #burnout
• Poor time management
• Emotionally charged and reactive due to poor quality sleep 

• What REALLY needed the most help - was my GUT. <ENTER #HJ #Amare #cortisolcontrol>

ME NOW: 

• Boost in: mood, motivation, metabolism, energy
• reduced bloating and inflammation
• Cravings gone, due to regulated blood sugar
• #cortisol #puffyface gone
• Better quality and DEEPER sleep
• Balanced hormones
• Improved cognitive function and no brain fog

** ADDED BONUS: A more organized home 
** DOUBLE ADDED BONUS: I’m the best mom I have ever been for my kiddos: ⬇️ reactive, ⬆️stress resilience

✨✨What I’m doing 👇🏼✨✨

• I mixed these two (or three) very simple supplements (EASY for my busy brain)
• First Supplement: Mood/Motivation/Metabolism - decreased bloating 
• Second supplement: Balanced hormones & mental wellness, improved skin, deeper sleep

2025 - I’m here for ya. BRING. IT. ON.

Comment CORTISOL OR just DM me, and I’ll send you more info and a link! 🥳
LIVE:: Sass & Small Chats with my girl Nicole @hap LIVE:: Sass & Small Chats with my girl Nicole @happybalancemama, before Mama Duty calls!  Chatting all things “Happy Blend”. We’ll do another spontaneous Live 2.0 when it’s not so nice outside!! For now - here’s a little bit of my personal experience with the Happy Blend  and how it’s made major shifts in mine and my family’s lives.  #30DayMentalwellnesschallenge
G R I N C H :: Just over here dreaming of a #green G R I N C H :: Just over here dreaming of a #greenChristmas when the kids and I had more time, energy, and gumption to do community deliveries to our local heroes. 

Since the #Pandemic, this little tradition of ours have stopped but our gratitude remains. @saanichpolice @saanichfiredepartment, Victoria Fertility Clinic, Sherwood Dental, and some of our buds who held our hands through our #grief and #fertility journey. 

Sigh. Was fun while it lasted. 

Thank you @dee_monster_girl @adammessana  @fiendwithoutaface87 for the inspo.

#throwback #grinch #Christmas
#NationalFamilyCaregiversMonth #november P I N K #NationalFamilyCaregiversMonth #november 

P I N K :: I recently learned that flamingos lose their pink when caring for others (notably, mom flamingos) —and I felt that deeply this past year. When my sweet elderly Mama had an unfortunate fall, resulting in emergency surgery, an extended hospital stay, and complete dependence on full time care, I was torn between moving in and being there for her full-time, caring for my sick kids and husband, homeschooling, and managing my business. 

I lost my pink.

Everything else—work, plans, even my son’s birthday—had to wait. Our home was a mess, appointments were missed, mistakes were made, friendships were tested, and the mental load was heavy. But nothing compared to watching my once strong Mama feel powerless as she leaned into the support she needed but once resisted.

My Mom lost her pink. 

It was a season of sacrifice, but now returning the equipment, that helped with her recovery, is a moment I’ll never forget.  I can now see from a clear lens, that working together as a family (my own family, my brother’s, my parents), we made it through, with the power of faith, a supportive community and amazing and understanding friends, love, and especially prayer.

It feels so good to stand back and see the full picture. And best of all… 

Both my Mama and I got our pink back.

@redcrosscanada 

#Caregiving #FamilyFirst #Gratitude #FlamingoFeels #FaithAndFamily
M A G G I E :: 🎉 Some #BTS #onthepod @sassandsm M A G G I E :: 🎉 Some #BTS #onthepod @sassandsmalltalkpodcast with my long lost twin and the hilariously brilliant MAGGIE of @thecatmompodcast ! We’re diving deep into life with a #SpicyBrain 🧠, talking all things #ADHD, and how she’s been navigating motherhood, chaos, and #burnout like the absolute rockstar she is. 💥

🎂 Oh, and did I mention it’s her #BIRTHDAY today?! 🎈 Be sure to give @minimaggie ALL the love in the comments! 🥳👇🏻

This episode, filmed at @haus.of.owl, is packed with so much relatable insight (and laughter... SO. MUCH. LAUGHTER 😂). Catch it #comingsoon #2025 on @TELUS OptikTV @storyhive! You won’t want to miss this one. 💬🎙️

Life just got a little more interesting @gjavier5 @ianshockeycards. Our apologies in advance… #doubletrouble 👭🏻
MY. FAM. IS. THRIVING. That is all. DM (and Fo MY. FAM. IS. THRIVING. 

That is all. 

DM (and Follow me) for deets on this amazing EASY 30sec Wellness supplement (and other #Amare Go-tos) that has elevated this family from shaking things up in the gut (bye 💩 probs), to clearing things up in the 🧠 (Wait - they actually WANT to learn? 🤯) … NOTHING ELSE has worked THIS GOOD for this family of Neuro-Ds. 

It’s not just some magic fix. 
It’s au naturale. Backed by science.
It’s #guthealth.
It’s #cognitivefunction.
Down to the cellular level.

✨ Sidenote: “Thriving” doesn’t mean, perfect, always happy, or that everyone is ALWAYS on the same page. 

That would just be weird. 

It means: 
• our target areas of concern (individually) are being addressed. 
• less chaos, more peace. 
• less reactive, less defensive
• more motivation, less resistance

We’re all collectively on our way to overall physical and mental wellness. 

And the best part is - all the kids care about is that it tastes darrrrrrrrn good. 

So what are you waiting for?
C O N N E C T I O N :: Now that George and I are b C O N N E C T I O N :: Now that George and I are both focusing on our COLLECTIVE #cortisolbalance - both our relationship and our kids benefit from these changes: 

• no longer reactive (to each other/kids)
• more playful with the kids, no longer irritable 
• have the #mentalclarity to pause and let each other have a say
• more well-rested - due to resisting #sleeprevenge (guys, I actually WANT to sleep now!! WHAT!??) 
• less overwhelm by everyday stressors
• tackle to-dos faster, together - procrastination completely not our thing anymore

** And the best and most shocking of them all… I am no longer impulsive with needless, emotional-spending, and that alone is a 🎁 for George! 

So many men and women in our age group are struggling like we were, only a few months ago.

This healthy cortisol mocktail is a daily favorite, takes 30 seconds to make, and is filled with adaptogens and healthy ingredients!

Comment CORTISOL and I’ll send you what we’ve been using to get to the bottom of our cortisol issues. WITH a $10 discount + 10% savings. 

✨ follow me for more simple tips for cortisol, weight, sleep, and stress for mamas and our partners too!

✨ Make sure you are following me to get the DM!

P. S. my husband prioritizes my daily intake as much as his own because we both know - “Happy wifey, easier Lifey” 😂☺️
P A R T N E R S H I P :: Our live discussion with P A R T N E R S H I P :: Our live discussion with Graham Meckling, Author, Coach, Educator, Community builder - as he launches his amazing and groundbreaking Online community at @truedad.community.

With focus on building the foundation as a team/partnership/family even PRIOR to becoming one, and how it’s a complete Gamechanger when faced with the reality of parenting in the coming years. 

Be sure to share this with any new parents-to-be who might need this resource - a sibling, a friend, a coworker, a distant cousin who you only seem to know on IG - we all know someone who might feel a little lost as they navigate this new chapter in their lives. This is not your everyday community - so grab a spot and find the community you never really know you needed! 

Seasoned parents - Graham’s book “Babies Don’t talk” has wonderful insights that are just as applicable to any stage of parenting as it is for the new parent - so GRAB YOUR COPY! I did and George and I ate it right up!
Found her. • • And right behind this once #b Found her. 
•
•

And right behind this once #burntout #Mama, finding her way back into her element again, sass-inclusive, are these #behindthescenes (behind the camera/desk/computer/headphones) MIRACLE WORKERS at @hausofowl. I have so much love for you guys. Thank you. 

@nikkye_music 
@hoelune 
@remy.is.remy 
@jakerfilms 

Not seen here but will pop up here and there as I catch them in action 🤞🏼 hint hint): @laaain_music @eric.thebald 

•
•

And none of this would’ve even been a thang if it weren’t for the Video Podcast Grant Program with @telus @storyhive. Life changing is an understatement. Thank you @made.by.donny & @thereallindakee for encouraging your girl to take the plunge with @sassandsmalltalkpodcast 

•
•

And the energy and gumption to keep me resilient, and in tip top shape to host my own show, and lead my own project - kudos to my girl @mommamillsblog who introduced me to the very #cortisoldrink I needed to amp up. And @caitoaks who also reminds me I got this. My gut and brain thank you both. #bestteamever

And my love, @gjavier5 - I’m doing this not just for me but for us and our little peeps. Thank you for leading the cheering squad and “assisting”
me when I need it most. Hope to make you guys proud. ❤️ 

•
•

Moral of the story, in getting that dang SASS back: 
✨ Take Risks
✨ Get your gut health in check 🥤
✨ Find your peeps 
✨ Tell them how awesome they are

DM me, watch my stories, click on my bio links if you want in on any of this good stuff! 🥤 + 🎙️ + 💰📺

✨Be sure to give a little ❤️ to my 13 year old Smallie who helped me level up with this reel with her magic touch. #ASD #autism #thisishomeschool #homeschooler #mygirl #techgirl #daughter
I’m 1/2 a century, baby. #HappyBirthday to me, i I’m 1/2 a century, baby. #HappyBirthday to me, indeed.
#thisisme

And life just got a little sweeter. 

It’s not some secret recipe, or some overcomplicated skin regimen. 

It’s #faith
Motivation
The want
The humility to accept help
The unconditional love from family
Learning to say no to the wrong, and yes to the right. 

I took a chance on ME a few months ago, and since then, have seen a shift in myself.

I dreaded this #milestonebirthday for the last 10 years. I dreaded ESPECIALLY, being transparent to ANYONE… even my own kids. 

But it dawned on me. 

(With the help of my fellow #hypewoman gals that gave me the gentle nudge to OWN my age, not hide it) @sweetmamalifedaily  @nengineermom @mommamillsblog  @caitoaks  @lilkeez @iamharpsra  @rahannavu @mstiggity

Why hide it? 
What am I scared of? 

I DID IT!

I hit 1/2 a century, I survived 9 brutal pregnancy losses, and held one of them in my arms. I looked death in the eye, and through prayer and community - I came out of it alive and kicking. AND thriving.

It wasn’t my time. I still have work to do here. 

But even with these life altering moments in my life, I STILL:
• made bad health choices
• stretched myself to max capacity
• said YES to things that stifled my growth.
• said NO to hard things that meant growth
• lived in debilitating fear, daily
• allowed my #adhd to paralyze, not enhance my life
• had horrible boundaries… correction… I had no boundaries 

It took 50 years, (3 months ago, to be exact), but I found exactly what I needed: 
• A deeper connection with God
• Gratitude
• A go-to, easy #cortisol #drink that balances out those darn hormones, and targets my #Mentalwellness #HJ 
• Forgiveness and freedom from past hurts 
• An awesome studio to do my craft @haus.of.owl
• A killer program that funds said craft @Telus @storyhive 
• A loving approach #wifey, #specialneeds Mama & #caregiver Daughter
• Self Compassion
• And the GUMPTION to follow (FIX) my Gut. 

Thank you to those who remembered when I chose to forget, that turning 50 is a blessing, not a curse. 

DM me or comment 50 if you want in on this big secret.
✨ I N S I D E * O U T ✨ :: If you wanna see ho ✨ I N S I D E * O U T ✨ :: If you wanna see how HAPPY J blend has made a difference for me, and coincidentally - the family - take a look at our Behind the scenes of this year’s Inside Out FAM-O-WEEN —an honest, messy, and very real snapshot of our year. 2024 was a DOOZY. 

From frustration, to resistance, to acceptance, to finding Joy again (with a DAILY DOSE of HAPPY J and a whoooooole lotta Jesus) - each character felt like a reflection of this year’s whirlwind of emotions. It’s been a time of big decisions, finding our footing, embracing transitions, more sleepless nights,  a diagnosis we’ve been waiting a decade for, falls, accidents, sickness - the whole shebang of emotions. 

And then #anxiety reared its ugly head.  In full force. 

But, alongside family and close friends, Faith, and some yummy sips of a healthy supplement, carried us through. 

In a year that stretched us to our limits, this shoot felt like the perfect way to honour all the “inside out” moments we’ve faced. So here’s to the messy, the joyful, and even the challenging times that shape who we are. From deep #burnout and anxiety to discovering our faith and mental wellness, I’m stepping into the next chapter with a full heart and maybe a few more laughs (even if I’m a year older 😉).

Here’s to growth, gratitude, and whatever’s next. #FamOWeen2024 #InsideOutLife #EmotionalYear #insideout #FindingJoy #Milestonebirthday
#NewChapter #amare #happyblend #hj #happyjuice

Music - AndreaDatzman, 
BENJIxScarlett, TheeOnlyJanessahhh
E M O T I O N S :: #HAPPYHALLOWEEN #FAMOWEEN editi E M O T I O N S :: #HAPPYHALLOWEEN #FAMOWEEN edition! 

2024 has been quite the year of change for us all. Emotions have been all over the map!
• #Caregiving has been amped up with unexpected falls and hospital stays 
• Our little not so little teen is on her last year of Middle school #homeschool version - not so easy but hey, surviving. #Disgust
• Our little guy cut his once curly locks and became a little man overnight - no tears except a very #sad dad who suffered from FOMO #Anger
• George also cut his hair that was once down to his waist. He was ready to let go of the weight of the world literally on his shoulders.
• I got selected for a wonderful @TELUS @Storyhive project to do a broadcast version of my #podcast and got my Juju back #happytears
• and yes… I found the perfect match for me to deal with my very neglected #guthealth, and yes… it’s a Gamechanger that has been behind the true shift in my mental health, productivity, and my road to a better me. Hence, “Happy” #Joy. #happyjuice

All these emotions check out. #insideOut we have thrived and survived. 

Happy Halloween!
S N E A K * P E E K :: I’m so excited to share a S N E A K * P E E K :: I’m so excited to share a little sneak peek of @theoutpostboardgamecafe, our good friend’s soon-to-be-opened #boardgame café, right here in the #Westshore 🎲🎲. The ONLY ONE of its kind in THIS part of town!! 🎉🎉We’ve ALL been waiting for this… 

Mamas… I’m looking at you… 👀

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It’s been amazing watching this space come together - already such a fun vibe and a cozy spot to hang out, play some games, and connect with friends. And I already got my #gameschool curriculum ready to go for my #homeschooler (and her game lovin’ mama-teacher 🙋🏻‍♀️) to enjoy. And of course date nights with my guy and girls night with my ladies!! 

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They’re getting so close to opening, and I can’t wait for everyone to experience it in person!! 

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Be sure to SHARE THIS POST AND SPREAD THE WORD - #Grandopening is Nov 1st!! 🎗️✂️ Stay tuned for more updates—it’s going to be a game-changer! 😉 

#TheOutpostCafe #supportlocal #supportsmallbusiness #supportlocalbusiness #YYJ #vancouverisland #Victoria #langford #boredombuster #family
F E A R L E S S :: Becoming a mom changed me, and F E A R L E S S :: Becoming a mom changed me, and along the way, my confidence started to slip. The bold, carefree version of me was replaced by someone who worried about the little things—like making a simple left turn onto a highway (with nothing but a stop sign and a prayer).

For years, I avoided that turn. I’d ask trusted adults to drive my kid for these once a year field trips, while I anxiously waited for updates. Sometimes, if I couldn’t arrange a ride, I’d keep her home. No amount of spawning salmon is worth my sanity.

It sounds trivial to the average person, but that turn felt like a mountain I couldn’t climb - for 12 years!!! A really winding, single lane, high speed, intolerant and unforgiving mountain to climb.

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Enter my Happy Blend Morning supplement.

After a few weeks of working on my gut health and balancing hormones, including cortisol, I feel lighter—mentally and emotionally. The anxiety that used to grip me just… doesn’t anymore.

Something in me felt COMPELLED to make that turn. It was my actual, nurtured, gut telling me to not take the backroad out (which is 3 times the distance), and it felt like freedom. 

I’ve learned it’s not just about turning left on a highway; it’s about letting go of fear and no longer caring what others think. My people-pleasing feature was activated as I approached the turn - worrying about the driver behind me, but now, I prioritize what’s best for me and my loved ones. And what’s best for my loved ones is that they get the chance to enjoy an educational experience, without my anxious brain standing in the way.

I am mentally clear, more logical, and becoming resilient where stress once controlled me. I’m ME again, free from imbalanced hormones, and the fear of inconveniencing others.

If this resonates with you, drop “FEARLESS” in the comments, and I’ll share what I’ve been using to get here. You’re not alone. #MomLife
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