Sass & Smalls

I Am a Mother of Three Children – An Experience of Infant Loss

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Many of my friends and readers may not know this, but I am a mother of 3 children.

By now you may be quite familiar with my firstborn, LD – our 2 year old monkey who has managed to take over babystylista in its entirety, with her unique sense of sass er, I mean… style and character. Her existence in our lives inspire us every second of the day.

LD Babystylista

But like I said… I am a mother of 3 children.

Today, January 30th, is a very important day for our family. A year ago today, January 30th, 2013, I lost my second child, Victoria, halfway into my pregnancy, in the second trimester. We had such a false sense of hope with the pregnancy so far along, you can imagine the utter disappointment (and despair) we experienced losing her. More on our precious little Tory can be read here.

By no coincidence… today, January 30th, 2014 also marks yet another significant moment in our lives. It would have been the due date of my third child – my son, William, who was delivered in the second trimester, and also did not survive. This time,  I was very much connected to the baby and his ongoing development.  Unlike my pregnancy with Tory, I knew very early on that I was pregnant.  Every appointment brought great news of normal progress. But one dreadful day this past fall, I started to bleed.  It was days of emergency room visits and calls to the doctor – all confirming that the baby was fine.  We even saw his strong heartbeat.  But then the bleeding stopped, and the cramping began.  Within moments, I felt like my water broke and I knew that something was terribly wrong. I was quickly rushed to the hospital – where I had actually delivered my son. He was alive for only a few moments when I held him in my arms. As tiny as he was, I could see his eyes, his ears, his little nose, arms, legs and teeny tiny toes.  I was given this opportunity – as painful as it was… to tell my baby that mommy loved him.

Infant Loss Babystylista

That day forever changed me. I am no longer the same person I was before I lost my son.  Losing him, allowed me not only to grieve for my child whom I had a physical and tangible experience with – but to finally grieve my daughter, Tory, after spending months in the early part of the year focusing on how to “move on”.  It was a double whammy for me, having lost two precious babies in utero only months apart from one another.  I kept hearing over and over (I even caught myself saying it to myself, thinking it would soften the blow somehow…), “God only gives you what you can handle“, but I’m not so sure we were equipped to handle any of this. Even now, in retrospect – I have no idea how I could have possibly recovered from such a traumatic moment.  However, after some time, support, and a LOT of prayer – I can actually look at it now – as a double blessing.  They are now in paradise with one another, side by side – preparing a place for their family – their mommy and daddy, their sister, their grandparents, and all of their family here on earth. Because of my two babies whom I unfortunately, never had the opportunity to watch grow, stumble, succeed, and smile – I am here with you sharing my story – in hopes that I can help even one person get through a similar experience of such tragic loss: to touch even one life with the hope that happiness and joy is just around the corner.

And joy indeed, was just around the corner. One floor above, to be exact.

An amazing turn of events really gave me the conviction I needed to accept the loss of my son. A newfound friend of mine gave birth the floor above me at almost the exact time I was losing William. She was not aware I was in the hospital at the time, nor  did she even have an inkling of my pregnancy. When I was able to shut off my sorrow for 30 seconds, I texted her to see how her pregnancy was coming along. She told me that she had in fact, given birth, and to my astonishment – on the same day and around the same time that I lost William… and without any knowledge of what we had named the son I had just lost, she told me that she named hers… William.

This little baby, who is now a few months old, holds in the palm of his tiny little hands, the heart of a mother who had just lost her little one. When I held him for the first time – an overwhelming sense of peace took over my entire jaded being. His eyes were the windows through which I caught glimpses of my own son, and I thanked him for being that living representation of what could have been. One would assume that this moment would have been a difficult one for me – but such was not the case. It was just what I needed to understand the complexities of God’s ultimate plan for me and my family. There IS hope – I just have to remain faithful.

2013 was a year of loss for our family, but we are now looking forward to a new year – focusing our energy (mainly of love and laughter) on the little monkey that we are blessed to have in our daily lives.  Once I was able to forgive myself, and to stop blaming myself for what happened during both of my pregnancies (by the way – I have undergone a million tests and both my miscarriage and stillbirth remains a mystery), I was able to accept what happened and eventually move forward.  Not surprisingly, there are moments, even now, where I continue to struggle with this “lack of understanding” trying to figure out what I could have done differently. I am often misled in thinking that if I understand it, then I can finally accept it. So I am constantly looking for answers.  But during those moments of desperation, I quickly remind myself that sometimes just simple acceptance, no matter what the circumstance, often happens in the absence of answers.

Part of our healing can be attributed to our decision in naming both our children, and acknowledging their presence and existence in our lives. We had little William cremated and held a prayer service for him, and it was especially moving to see LD feel (and quite possibly, comprehend) so much at such a young age.

January 30 Babystylista

January 30 Babystylista

The wonderful staff at the Burial park gave us Spirit Houses to be placed in their memorial garden at the highest point of the cemetery – to commemorate little ones lost before birth, at birth, or shortly after.

January 30 Babystylista

We also attended a beautiful vigil dedicated to the unborn.  We lit candles in their honor. It was one of the most touching moments we have ever experienced together as a family.

January 30 Babystylista

I continue on this journey of healing – overcoming the hurdles of doubt, and sorrow, and at times, anger and bitterness.  Slowly but surely – joy is replacing the grief, as I do what is best advised to me by loved ones: to allow myself to grieve the loss of my children, but not to forget to be grateful for the opportunity to be their mother and to look forward to the day I will see them again.

Our family looks forward to the day we are greeted at the pearly gates by three very special individuals who have forever left their mark in our lives. Their lives short, their existence profound.

Victoria, Kevin, & William

Happy January 30th my darling babies (Our pug, Kevin, that goes for you too…). Until we meet again.

In the meantime I shall relish in the joy of my firstborn. She is my heart.

I am the Mother of 3 Children Babystylista

And in my heart… I AM the mother of 3 children.

db 

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A special thank you to Big Daddy (http://www.georgebalino.com) who once again, illustrated the most flawless interpretation of how we visualize our babies at this very moment. I may not know much – but I do know in my heart of hearts, that our babies are together, happy as can be. I am certain little William is blissfully causing a world of ruckus, while Tory diligently shows her little brother the ropes. All while Kevin‘s tail is wagging a million miles a minute hoping as always, for scraps to fall.

About Deb B.

Deb Balino is the voice behind Sass & Smalls, host of the newly launched Podcast - Sass & Small Talk, and a mom of two - an artistic and quirky 11-year-old, and an outspoken, homewrecking, retro music loving, 4-year-old. A décor and style enthusiast, as well as a home systems hack creator, with a mildly concerning obsession of all things "bin-worthy", Deb enjoys sharing products, experiences, progressive ideas, and simple shifts in mindset that has helped her family navigate the beautiful chaos of parenting. Deb is also a homeschool teacher, partially by choice, partially pandemic-inspired, while advocating and caring for her parents as an active member of the Sandwich Generation. With vulnerability, and a dash of humour - she shares the reality of her world, all while keeping things as sassy as they once were before the drool, meltdowns, and potty mishaps entered the picture.

Her creative ideas, lengthy storytelling, and everyday musings have been featured on Huffington Post, Yahoo Style, BBC News, and YMC.CA

Comments

  1. Amy Worrell says

    What a brave post to write. I hope that the sadness today brings get a little easier to deal with as the years go by. Thank you for sharing such a personal side of you and your family
    Reply

  4. Deborah Mullan says

    I'll never forget running into you and your MiL downtown shortly afterwards. My heart absolutely broke for you. What an odd blessing it is to take things like this and turn them toward something good. I feel the same way about my experiences as well.

    I'm always reminded of Romans 8:28 — And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

    Reply

  5. babystylista says

    I remember that day like it was yesterday. I do find it a blessing that through our losses we were able to get to know one another and work through it together. Love that verse so much – it's the only way to get through this. xx
    Reply

  6. Stephanie says

    Deb, you’re amazing. Very brave to write this, very beautifully written, and my condolences for your losses. Hugs!
    Reply

  7. Sarah at Journeys of The Zoo says

    Dear D,

    Yes, you are the mother of three children. I think it’s wonderful what you are doing to celebrate all your children’s lives.

    Not a day goes by where my son’s name, Alexander is not spoken. His life mattered and I want his sibilings to know that.

    No one knows what it’s like to walk a moment in our shoes. Not that you’d want them to. For me, I find comfort in knowing that someone else understands. Even though it means that they too must have lost a child.

    If you ever want to talk, I am here to cry, listen, vent or share my story.

    “The life and death of each of us has an influence on others ROM 4:17”.

    Besos, Sarah
    Sarah at Journeys of The Zoo recently posted…On the Eve of Your Death…My Profile

    Reply

    • babystylista says

      I often think of Alexander and how he is always included in your everyday life with the rest of your beautiful family. It’s so inspirational – thank you. I also find so much comfort when someone else understands and that we can hold each other’s hands throughout the process. Thank you for holding mine! Hugs to you right back! xx
      babystylista recently posted…The Little Black Swan {Wordless Wednesday} {Linky}My Profile
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  10. Amber Dawn Tonsi says

    Your courage and grace astounds me, Debbie. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so sorry for your losses and keep you and your family in my prayers. Much love.
    Reply

  12. Tamara says

    Sharing a piece of your heart like that takes great courage. Your strength amazes me. I can’t even image the pain you have been through in loss. Big hugs to you & your continued healing. You will be in my prayers. You have a beautiful daughter & I know she must be so proud of you.
    Tamara recently posted…Red Gold Tomatoes Lasagna Recipe, ReviewMy Profile
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  13. Rebecca Busenitz says

    You are such an inspiration to me. Your expression of heartache is very real, & I feel the pain you have endured. As a mom of 4 little ones, I will always remember your acknowledgement of your children and your willingness to seek joy in the face of devastating loss. Your love for your them is evident – may I always have that kind of love for my own, and be strong enough to treasure their memory regardless of the pain it may cause. You are a strong and powerful woman! God’s blessings be showered on your family and your blog.
    Rebecca Busenitz recently posted…3 Ways to Avoid Emotional BreakdownMy Profile
    Reply

  15. Harvey Button says

    What a sad post with so much grief, but a positive post with so much love, and so much affection for your lovely little girl. I once read that you cannot put a timetable on grief – it takes its own time. One day I hope you will see your little girl go to college, become a doctor or a writer, or a great chef! You will never forget but you will love what you have all the more.
    Reply

  16. Vanessa Sumner says

    Wow, this was an incredibly moving read. I can't tell you how sorry I am for your loss, and yet I am touched by your ability to heal and keep living when it probably seemed impossible.
    Reply

  17. Dave Sumner says

    What a powerful post. It brought back a lot of feelings that I haven’t experienced in a very long time. My mom lost a baby in between my brother’s birth and mine (which were 17 years apart). I used to experience guilt over why I lived and my sibling did not. I had not thought of this in years until this month when I had a birthday and was telling my wife the story about what my mom went through. I have never really talked about this, but sometimes I have had to wonder whether I am that baby born later, or if that baby would have lived if I never came along . . . things like that which I suppose nobody else would ever think about unless in this position. Reading about your strength made me feel better, especially for my mom who suffered mostly in silence due to the era when she had her loss. I am very sorry for what you went through. Thank you for sharing such a meaningful story with us.
    Reply

  18. Jenny Nickel says

    You are so brave, thank you for sharing your story! My sister-in-law had a very similar experience with my nephew last year. My nephew's name is Bryton and I bet he's kicking it up in Heaven with your dear babes. I am so sorry for your losses!
    Reply

  19. Brianna at Mending the Piggy Bank says

    Thank you so much for having the courage to share your story. I lost my first pregnancy at 13 weeks and though it was over six years ago and I’ve since had two beautiful and wonderful sons, the pain often feels as raw as the day my husband and I found out our baby no longer had a heartbeat. I too consider myself a mother of three and acknowledge the due date and the day the baby passed away each year. I’m terribly sorry for your losses and hope that if you decide to try again that you’ll have a stylish rainbow baby!
    Reply

  23. Patty Mejia Burke says

    How blessed you are to have your daughter – and yes, you ARE the mother of three children. I hear others tell moms who have gone through the loss of a pregnancy that those babies don't count and I just want to slug them…and I'm not a violent person! Having never gone through a loss such as yours, I can't imagine it would be easy to live through, much less "get over" as others also say. Life is a challenge. You are incredibly strong – your daughter will be, too, as she watches you navigate through life!
    Reply

  25. Cherie @ In Cherie's Words says

    I want to give you a huge hug. I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. 🙁 You are so brave to write in detail your story. I don’t think I could ever (in detail) explain what happened. Yes, you are a mother of three. And those little angels will forever watch over their mommy and family. I’ve suffered two in my lifetime. My recent one was this past Christmas. It wasn’t the Christmas gift I wanted. I am a mother of three, with two in heaven. Thank you for sharing your story with us. And you have one little fashionista there. 🙂
    Cherie @ In Cherie’s Words recently posted…Feature Friday – February 21, 2014My Profile
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  27. Ali Gilbert says

    What an incredible story. So touching. Thanks for being honest and open as there are many readers that can relate. So sorry for your loss, but thanks for having the courage to tell your story so that others can have hope and encouragement through it.
    Reply

  29. Leila Kennedy says

    What a sweet story. I am so sorry for your losses. I could never imagine losing a baby. Those that have are stronger than I could ever imagine being. I do not know how one can survive, but props to you. Your daughter is precious and the love you had for your other two babies is evident. Big hugs to you!!!
    Reply

  30. Anna says

    Wow this was really heartbreaking to read. I can’t even imagine what you must have been going through. I admire the strength that kept you going.
    Reply

  31. Jen says

    You ARE the mother of 3 children! And I applaud you for your honesty, and your courage. I cannot imagine your pain and the hearbreak that you have been through. I hope that this year brings you more happiness than ever before.
    Jen recently posted…Pocket Scrapping 101…My Profile
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  32. babystylista says

    Thank you so much for visiting and for your virtual hugs! Yes – losing a baby is as unimaginable as it seems. But you're right – just like anything else, you become strong with every life struggle. I can't say I'm terribly strong – but I'm definitely stronger than I was a year ago. xx
    Reply

  33. Stacey says

    I cannot even begin to imagine how you must feel. I have two children and was blessed with perfectly normal pregnancies both times. It didn’t stop me imagining the worst for the whole nine months though. I don’t know if I could have survived what you have been through but I commend you for speaking about your children and teaching your little girl about them. Children understand a lot more than we give them credit for.
    Stacey recently posted…10 Weeks to sort my life out – Week 2 – The Bare NecessitiesMy Profile
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  36. Tanai Goldwire says

    Sharing your story with all of us was very generous, thank you. I am so sorry for your loss but so grateful for your journey. Thank you so much for sharing. You touched my heart.
    Reply

  37. Becky @ Your Modern Family & Bloggingontheside says

    I am so glad that you shared this- I, too, have experienced the loss of our baby (she would have been our 4th). We had one more after that loss, but she will always be remembered and loved. I consider myself the mama to five and I know that God is holding her, until I can get there to hold her, too.
    Thank you for sharing your heart & your story,
    Becky

    PS- could your daughter be ANY CUTER?!
    Becky @ Your Modern Family & Bloggingontheside recently posted…4 ingredient blueberry dump CakeMy Profile

    Reply

  40. Kim says

    My heart goes out to you! I too lost a baby before birth and it was the hardest and worst experience. I wondered how mothers go on after such an experience, but I had the help of my own wonderful mother who lost two children in infancy and still managed to raise the rest of us.

    I am glad that you are coming to terms with your loss and are loving your babies who are on the other side. I know they wait for you and will be part of your family again. Take strength in that and love the little one that you have.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers.
    Kim recently posted…Valentine Chocolate Smash Book PageMy Profile

    Reply

  44. Nicole Mildren says

    You my dear are an inspiration to all mothers, not just those who have lost children. I give you so many hugs. You are strong and your story is one that of courage, and strength. God bless you and your family, and your absolutely stunning daughter.
    Reply

  45. Desiree Arpin says

    That is such a heartbreaking story! I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine the feeling of losing a baby, let alone 2.
    Reply

  48. Emily says

    Beautifully written. I lost a child very early on between my second daughter and my son. I often look at it as my son wasn’t quite ready for this world. I don’t know the gender of the lost one but my son had some lung problems in the beginning, I think I had to wait until he was wrong enough to live a healthy life and he just wouldn’t have been earlier
    Reply

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